Maybe because I'm the only one who has been talking too much.

Can't help it because my mind has ever flowing of thoughts.
I always have to dispose I off before it gets overloaded.

Anyway, morning world.
Blogger will be my companion for now.
Chinese new year will be round the corner, I resume back to work on the 17th.
I may even gotta skip reunion dinner because of work.
And after new year there gonna be grand opening of TBS, I gotta be there.. I gotta be there.. (chants)
but at least probably there's media or the press may be there. I haven't face that for so long.
Some stuff worth headache about makes me a little worried.
Oh well then, we shall see how it goes.

After so long, I still thinking why dad isn't around.
How life will be much easier with him.
I always tend to cry n get pissed of with myself over nothing.
Who can understand the loniless in the business world.
After facing so much customers, the end of the day, putting down work, I'm back alone.
I can't describe this 'lone' word. It's not about having no friends.
It may be 'stress alone' 'work alone' 'tired alone',etc.

I told mom it's not easy especially for sole propritorship.
At least there must have partner to help out, an assistant, or whatever.
She agree with that else it's mentally and physically tiring.
What to do, with my current ability I can't hire anyone now.
Lots of financial burdens. I don't want a car license because of that. I'll have more burdens.

They all see it like it's so easily. Until one day they get the taste of it.
Notiong's easy. Everything they view is by the surface. my life hasn't been THAT great after I left school. Sometimes I got to put a mask infront of them when they always give me the same kind of attitute. I wonder if they ever really treat me like a friend?

And the past year, I've did many mistakes. I lost several people. I chose that myself. Probably after that incident, I realize it's all just me. Not them. I'm the one who is rejecting everything around me. I'm the one who chose to be anti social, I'm the one who is not initiative.

Same goes to family members. When Wirriam ask me for a dinner. I rejected.
I'm sorry to do that. I know it's a huge disappointment. I even say things that I shouldn't.
But I haven't have any family gatherings or dinner or family bondage session for the longest time.
I can't do it with my family or relatives. Don't even mention about outsiders.
I said I want to MIA because I choose to escape rather than facing it.
Family bondings/ meetings is my fear. I don't like to meet people outside my family.
Because I don't know what to say, how to react, what to do.
Eating with wirriam's family is a problem for me too. That's why I only started eating with them only 2 years ago during his birthday.

I hate to join because I don't want them to ask about me.
I don't want them to think I'm rude due to the fact I got zero knowledge about manners infront of seniors. I don't know when will I have the courage to do so. Maybe another year, two, four?
This thing has haunt me for almost 7 years. Probably no one knows.

in my past relationship, I already have such problem.
And his mom said 'once a stranger, always a stranger'
he told me that after with them for 4 years, I'm still a stranger to their family.
There's no bond, the ice wasn't broken all those while.
It really pressurized me a lot.

How do you feel when someone outside their family (just a church member) can be her god daughter and laugh and joke with her so much right before your eyes when you can't even do that? I don't even worth 1% in that house. Not at all. And she even ask that girl, how I wish you can stay with me everyday infront of me. That girl is not my rival. It's just that why am I such a failure?? I goto his house so much more than her and why does it have to be this way? Everyday I eat with them, I always keep quiet. And because I've done that, I don't want to so that again to ruin my current relation.

And.. I even think of what to say to her or what I can do every night before I sleep.
I even cried so much and even think of scripts for that 20words I gonna say to her the other time when I did something wrong. Because I always feel.. I'm a stranger, always a stranger to them n everyone.
and because of that, that's one reason I took the courage to leave that broken relation.
He ever ask me to go back last year but this issue is my main issue before I even consider.
Not that I even considered. I just meant that his mom is my fear.

I won't want to face his mom. Hence I hate Hong Kong.
I just scared I'm so swey and bump onto her there one day.

So.. I don't know how, when, what.
I'm sorry if things gets no better in my current relation.
I don't even visit friend's house because of that fear too.
The fear of meeting seniors.
I really hope you can understand my situation.
I hate CNY because of the same reason.
I think everyone regard me as a stranger.
Do you know, in my current relation, this has been in my heart since day one?
I'm sorry to say this but when we started not long ago, 3 years ago, I ever thought of leaving this relationship cuz of family bondage. I ever thought of finding a English speaking background family n stay with them for good. I always think maybe English background may be much easier n maybe I can click well easily.

I know I shouldn't escape, rather to face it. Because one day I have to face it soon.
Sorry, but I still don't have the courage to do so, for now.